I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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