Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
