I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
