The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
