dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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