omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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