last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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