i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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