update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
