you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
