last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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