"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
