meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this will be a night to untag.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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