Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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