just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
