onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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