at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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