what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
