we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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