He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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