It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
