True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
