He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
