haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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