Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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