You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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