I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
