Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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