you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
