I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
