I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the day after is always just damage control
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
