My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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