dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
