I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
