The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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