True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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