just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize