Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
