If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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