Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
