Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
