sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We are all done wearing pants today
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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