i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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