Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
