Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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