can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
