Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize