when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
