Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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