I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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