The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
