Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
