I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
