Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize