you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
