just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
