i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
