apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
