need another drink. this is the easiest way
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
