Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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