apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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