Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
