how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
